and how...

the news came
down into my gut
and fluttered
sour as sticky moths
wanting to fly
but consumed and
drowning inescapably in
acidic lather
afraid of life
and the daily decisions
I retreated to the one place
that is familiar
for assurance
but I found none there
pain is lonely
no matter what they say
it can not be shared
as a bitter taste
or an embrace
with another

in happy times
I knew a happy God
and yet, strangely
these times make the God of wonder
an indifferent omnipotent
of doubt and mirrored translucence
for to trust Him
as a blind man trust
that with the next step
he will not step off the edge
of the world and fall into
the abyss of darkness that is his fear
is to surrender to His will
and sometimes the will
can be tragic
and how can faith be justified
in tragedy
unless my faith goes beyond
the world that I know
and how can this
notion of beyond beyond
be of help
to a single man
living a single life
within himself
and not beyond

as much as I want to
be spiritual at this moment
any force or being is
friend to this fear
and how...as
the balance of a life hangs
as a question
followed by an ellipsis
written on a sheet of anxiety
not knowing
this 48 hours
is not knowing
what will happen
and how...